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Funnel Cake Coalition – International Headquarters

¡Viva las tortas del embudo!

Each day at fairs across the country, enterprising small business owners keep the American economy rolling by providing a delightful confection: The funnel cake. Funnel cakes use a delightful unleavened batter that is poured in a circular pattern, then deep-fried. It may be topped with powdered sugar, chocolate, or any number of delightful additions that serve to enhance this pièce de résistance of Pennsylvania Dutch cuisine. Children will squeal with delight at the mere thought of having a funnel cake, and many a delightful romance has blossomed through the sharing of funnel cake.

Our manifesto: We strive to achieve 100% concession saturation, and pledge to consume at least one (1) funnel cake at every major fair.

But there is a sinister movement afoot. “Funnel cakes are too expensive,” they’ll say. “Why should I buy it here when I can make it at home?” “Too fattening.” “I am allergic to the type of oil they use.” “Funnel cake is ugly.” It’s true: People really do say these things. Those people are the anti-funnel cake mafia. These are the same people who will spend $80 to get to the fair then complain about having to pay $4 for a cake. They are out to deprive you of your every pleasure, and when it happens, it is ugly. Commandate Andrew was deprived of funnel cake for several years because the pressure of the anti-funnel cake mafia.

The Funnel Cake Coaliation was founded to fight for our rights to funnel cake, to stand up to the reactionaries and say WE’RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!

FACT: In Nazi Germany, the consumption of funnel cake was curtailed.

FACT: Charles Manson hates funnel cake.

FACT: Ronald Reagan and John Wayne loved funnel cake.

*** Whose company would YOU rather keep? ***

Make the smart choice: Funnel cake for you, funnel cake for me, funnel cake for life.

 

Issues:

1. Isn’t funnel cake fattening & high in calories?

We suggest purchasing a single cake and sharing it with a loved one. If you prefer to have an entire one to yourself, the calories in the funnel cake can be expended by a mere 9 hours of brisk walking. Failing that, liposuction is becoming very affordable these days.

2. I went to a fair and there was no funnel cake concession. What do I do?

Write your congressman and start a grassroots boycott. Do not, I repeat, do not resort to violence. The Funnel Cake Coalition only supports peaceable means to achieve its aims.

3. Can I make funnel cake at home?

Funnel cake is about sharing a tasty confection with friends & loved ones in the wholesome, social environment that fairs provide. Making funnel cake at home deprives the act of its meaning; it also deprives a hard-working funnel cake concessionaire of the business. If you know someone who is making funnel cake at home, contact the police immediately.

 

Endorsements:

Andrew

Lesley

Adrian

Niklas

Steve

Kevin

Chris

Clint

Mike*

Dan*

Sara*

* = Double agent